6 Steps To Creating Healthy Boundaries
This blog post is an excerpt from a podcast originally published on April 27, 2021. If you’d rather hear it in the author’s voice (plus hear real life examples) you can visit The Infinite Capacity Podcast to listen to Episode 17!
Today I want to talk to you about healthy boundaries… what they are, how to set them, and how to know if you are making a boundary that is healthy.
What is a boundary?
The Cambridge English Dictionary defines a boundary as a real or imagined line that marks the edge or limit of something.
I like that definition because it is so visual; and you can imagine a line on a map separating two countries or a fence separating two properties. You can picture a globe sitting on somebody’s desk showing the boundaries between countries.
It is something that we can all understand; that there is a physical limit that separates two things. It is visible and clear, and it creates information that anyone can understand.
But boundaries can also be invisible; and they can be emotional. This happens in relationships. An emotional boundary may be the invisible line you put down to separate yourself from another person or the way that they treat you; what they are allowed to do and not do to remain in your life as your friend, your colleague or your loved one.
They can be the invisible line that, if crossed, alerts you that it is now time to make a change in your life or work situation.
I also want to note, before we begin talking about boundaries with other people - that creating a healthy boundary is really an inside job and it starts with us.
Most of the time, the problem isn’t nearly as much with an external circumstance or person as we may initially think it is… most of the time when we are feeling that someone has overstepped or crossed our lines, it is because we were never clear about our boundaries in the first place… either with ourself or with the other person.
Boundaries are not a new concept and there are so many amazing quotes out there that thoughtful, insightful people have shared about what a boundary is and how it can be liberating, empowering and even beautiful.
For example, novelist Anne Lamott wrote this clear phrase that is so easy to understand: “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
In “Rising Strong” Brene Brown also wrote, “Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
However, not everyone means the same thing when they talk about boundaries and that is why it is so important for us to establish what we mean when we are talking about a boundary.
Sometimes, people place boundaries as a punishment or a defense system. This is actually really common.
Those kinds of boundaries don’t come from a place of love; they aren’t seeking to serve the relationship or even the people involved. They are meant to create distance or division and to build walls on purpose. We are going to talk more about this later in the podcast!
How do you know when it is time to create a boundary?
Healthy boundaries for moms often fall into 3 categories:
Boundaries within ourselves
The words we say to ourselves; managing our negative self talk.
The intimacy we have with ourselves; understanding ourselves well enough to know what we can say yes to and what we need to say no to. Understanding our own energy level, what we choose to spend our time building, and how we can be our own best friend. Understanding what we want and what is healthy for us, and making commitments and decisions in advance for ourselves.
Boundaries in our relationships
The invisible lines that we create that separate us from others, that protect us and are created with love. They are FOR us and not against anyone else.
Boundaries at work
The invisible lines that we create that keep us accountable to ourselves, so that we do not agree to do a task that violates our inner value system. Knowing when to push harder, and when to walk away.
We know it is time to create a boundary when we look at the facts of a situation and they do not jibe with our own personal value system or code of conduct.
For example, if our boss has asked us yet again to work late and we arrive an hour later than normal to pick up our child from aftercare. If our personal value system says that we should be on time for our child; then we know the boss has crossed a line and it is time to create a healthy boundary.
What’s the difference between the kind of boundary you create with the help of a life coach like me, and the kind you would create with a psychotherapist or a counselor trained in dealing with violence and abuse?
Your physical safety supersedes all thought work. If you are in an unsafe situation - for example one of domestic violence or sexual abuse, your safety and the safety is the top priority. Violence and abuse are not life coach territory… that is absolutely the purview of a licensed psychotherapist. There are amazing resources and people out there ready to help you create healthy boundaries if you are in an abusive situation. I will link to a few of them at the bottom of this blog post!
To be able to dig in and do powerful thought work, it is necessary that your survival needs be met... and at the base level of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs we can see that safety comes way before self-actualization… so make sure that your physiological and safety needs are met first, before you begin to think about doing emotional boundary work either on your own or with a life coach.
Again, if there is any possibility that your safety is in question, this is NOT a situation for thought work and I urge you to immediately seek help from professionals trained to support people grappling with the kind of boundary setting that may involve a restraining order.
What is the difference between a punitive boundary and a healthy boundary?
A punitive boundary is intended as a punishment or consequence. It generally comes from an emotion such as anger, resentment, frustration or hurt.
A healthy boundary is intended to create the healthiest possible outcome for all parties. It comes from love, it is typically well thought out, and not a sudden reaction.
How do you actually create a healthy boundary? What are the steps?
Quick and dirty version of the steps to create a healthy boundary, for those who don’t have the time right now to listen to the full podcast in its glory!!!
Safety First.
Then,
Take your time
Check your emotion
Consider communicating - words not walls
Like your reasons
Make sure the boundary is FOR you, not AGAINST someone else
Have your own back (& you can always re-evaluate)
Also do you need to tell the person (or organization) that you are creating the boundary for?
No! You do not need to inform the world or another person that you have created a healthy boundary… because the boundary is FOR you. You are the person who will enact it, and you are the person that will receive the benefit of it. YOU get to decide if you want to tell others about your boundary. Remember that it is not a threat or a punishment, so the main reason you might want to share your boundary with others is if you think that discussing it may lead to constructive conversation or greater mutual understanding.
How do you check to make sure your boundary is healthy?
When you are deciding to create a boundary, make sure it is coming from an emotion that will help you create a healthy and constructive action and result.
This is so important.
Let me try to explain. You can create the same boundary. You can decide, for example, not to work later than 5pm so that you can always pick your child up by 6.
But make sure that decision is coming from love and calm… love for yourself, love for your child, appreciation for your job, a sense that this is the healthiest decision you can make in the moment, that you will be a better employee if you are not resentful of your boss, and that you like your reasons for setting this boundary on your time. It does not need to be dramatic!
This is very different from choosing not to work past five while you are feeling angry, resentful and frustrated with your boss and your job. Those strong emotions may lead you to have the same conversation with your boss, but with tension and an increased potential for conflict.
One is thoughtful and proactive.
The other is thoughtless and reactive.
They come from different emotions and they may well have different outcomes.
If you’re going to set a boundary and stick with it, work from a healthy emotion and make sure you like your reasons.
What do you do if someone (or an organization) is really upset about a boundary you have created?
If someone else is getting upset and sitting in drama over your boundary, you know, that is their journey. That is their situation to resolve. They could probably benefit from working on their own thoughts and feelings. But it isn’t your drama to accept and live into. You don’t need to take that on.
If you stay calm and can articulate your needs from a place of peace and love, chances are very high that even in the case of a boss that wants you to work overtime, you will be able to clearly and logically articulate why you need to leave on time for your child.
The more centered you can remain within yourself, the less likely you are to live into somebody else’s drama. Breathe easy, remember your immense value, and allow your mind to look for creative solutions to the situation without getting mired in somebody else’s emotions.
How should you react if someone has created a boundary that affects YOU and you don’t like it?
What if YOU are the recipient of someone else’s boundary? For example, what if another person has determined that YOU are not welcome at the annual Thanksgiving dinner because they don’t like the guy you are dating, or they don’t like your politics?
The advice here is about the same. You do not need to accept and live into another person’s drama. You are allowed to think and feel however you want about their boundary… so determine to think thoughts that are constructive and healing for YOU, and focus on staying in emotions that feel good to YOU. Nobody can ruin your day if you don’t allow their actions or words to invade your mind and heart.
Just keep showing up in the world exactly as you want to be; and you will find that the relationships and situations that are meant for you will show up on time and with all of the beauty and joy that you deserve!!
Need More Support?
Do you have a person or situation in your life where you think some healthy boundaries are in order? Are you struggling to set your boundaries? If you find that you need more guidance or want to ask questions about how to apply all of this to your own life or a unique situation, feel free to write to me at andrea@thinktothrivecoaching.com or send me a DM through my Instagram or Facebook business pages!
Resources & Support for Domestic Violence and Abuse:
www.thehotline.org
https://www.childwelfare.gov/
https://centerforjudicialexcellence.org/resources/domestic-violence-child-abuse-resources/