Freeing Yourself from the Imaginary Alternative to Live Fully NOW

Have you ever found yourself daydreaming about the future you might have had, if only something had happened differently in your past?

• “If only I hadn’t broken up with my high school sweetheart, we might be married today with two kids!”

• “If only I hadn’t dropped out of school, I might be making six figures!”

• “If only I hadn’t gotten sick, we wouldn’t be in so much debt today!”

I like to call this kind of thinking, “The Imaginary Alternative.” 

It seems so harmless, just a simple fantasy here and there about the WHAT IFs.  Entire movies have been built around this concept, consider the romantic classic film Sliding Doors (1998) where if only Gwyneth Paltrow’s character had caught the train that day instead of missing it, her entire life trajectory would have been different.

People use imaginary alternatives as a way of comforting themselves during tough times, almost like a buffer from pain.  They think, “If only X had happened, I bet I would be the amazing person now that I know deep down I am meant to be!”

Notably, fantasies about what could have been are almost always POSITIVE.  

It’s pretty rare for one of my clients to think or express something like, “If I hadn’t met my husband, I might actually be desperately lonely today…” or, “If I hadn’t gotten to fill that prescription at the pharmacy, my daughter might actually not have recovered from her pneumonia and we could’ve had a terrible tragedy on our hands.”  

Humans typically focus on how things in their real life aren’t perfect… and imagine how they could’ve been better. They don’t often consider that they may already be living in the best of all possible scenarios.

There can be a real downside to focusing on your Imaginary Alternative.  

When you are busy thinking about all of the ways in which your life could have turned out better if you’d made a different choice in the past, you are neglecting yourself.

You are not focusing all of your energy on where you are RIGHT NOW. You are not fully investing in what you want to create IN THIS MOMENT.

That wife or girlfriend sitting at your kitchen counter is a person with whom you still have tremendous potential because the relationship is happening NOW.

When you’re busy fantasizing about a girl you dated 12 years ago rather than the actual human eating breakfast next to you, you lose out on the opportunity to make THIS relationship all that it can be.

You may also be giving up your power to own your results.  Your past-focused thoughts hide the truth from you - that you have the ability at any moment to adopt new ideas, take new actions and build amazing new relationships and opportunities.  

If you spend your time thinking sorrowfully about what you didn’t do, you rob yourself of the realization that you are fully in charge of how you show up in your own life and what you can do right now.

Who DO you want to be, today?

Is it productive for you to spend your day ruminating on the job you lost 3 years ago? Or do you want to work on finding new work, growing as a candidate, and moving forward?

If you could channel and focus all of your mental energy directly back into your life as it is now, what would you want to build?  What would you want to change?  

What would you CREATE if you could make anything possible for yourself? 

The Imaginary Alternative will always be just that… imaginary. It’s make believe. It may feel good in the moment but it has no real constructive value in your life. Thinking about what ‘could have been’ may even take away from the quality of your present day, by making you feel nostalgic, sad or melancholy.  

Luckily, life has a gift for you.

You have a new day right here. 24 hours of potential, unfolding right in front of you.  

Everything that has happened in your life has led you to this moment, so that you can use it to forge a beautiful and amazing future.  

It may be a cliche but there is real truth to this concept: “If you can dream it, you can do it.”  No matter how old you are or what happened (or didn’t happen) in the past, you CAN start fresh… moving forward with your eyes not fixed on the hypothetical rearview mirror but instead on the HORIZON.  

• Do you have an imaginary alternative that you like to dream or ruminate about from time to time?  

• Does it take away from the quality of your day-to-day life?

• Do you have trouble staying focused on the present?

• Is it impacting your ability to create an inspiring and incredible future?  

If you’d like to apply this concept to your REAL life, right now and need some help, support or teaching as you learn to manage your thinking and harness your own fantastic mental power, coaching can help!

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I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love would like to free yourself from your own ‘Imaginary Alternative’ and live an incredible life NOW, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

Unconditional Love: How YOU Can Transform Your Relationships and Feel Better!

What does unconditional love mean to you?

I asked this of a few clients recently, and each of them had a pretty recognizable answer:

• “It means loving somebody, no matter what their actions are.”

• “It means loving a person or people, even when it’s hard to do.”

• “Unconditional love means that you keep your heart open, even when you’d sometimes rather rather close it.”

When we think about feeling true unconditional love, it pretty often comes up in context to children and animals. 

Humans find it easier to forgive, be peaceful, and wholly love when it comes to others that we perceive to be young and/or defenseless.  When your little puppy vomits on your expensive rug, it’s easier to show up kindly and with compassion.

If your three year-old daughter had a big tantrum at the mall it might be frustrating or even embarrassing in the moment but very few of us would ever think the thought, “Maybe she and I shouldn’t be together anymore!”

We place very different expectations on our romantic partners or other adults, however.

If your 35 year-old spouse had their own tantrum at the mall, your frustration and embarrassment at that moment might lead you to suggest all kinds of things: “Let’s take a break,” “I think you need professional help!” or even, “Grow up!!!”

Loving another human unselfishly and without conditions means that you genuinely care about the happiness of that person.  Unconditional love means that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help another person feel good without expecting any particular behavior or reward in return.  

Most adults have long lists of expectations about their romantic partners.  

• “He needs to be tidy.”

• “She needs to be a good cook.”

• “He needs to call or text me.”

• “She needs to take care of her physical appearance.”

In fact, over the course of our lifetime, humans usually develop an entire internal instruction guide for how other people “SHOULD” act in order for us to love or even like them.  This is actually the opposite of unconditional love, because we place a lot of conditions on how we will show up for another person:

• “If he takes me on a romantic getaway, it means that he really loves me so then I can put down my guard and fully love him too.”

• “If she doesn’t call or text me too often, it means that she is strong and independent, so then I can allow myself to put down my guard and fully love her too.”

• “If he helps out around the house, it means that he understands how exhausting my days are with the kids, so then I can feel romantic and affectionate about him.”

• “If she doesn’t fuss about me going out with my friends on the weekend, it means she really understands what I need, so then I can feel excited about being with her.”

There are so many if-then clauses in romantic relationships, we could write an entire math workbook about it!

The same rules apply to other kinds of relationships too… with our parents, siblings, friends and even work colleagues.

“If my mother offers to babysit my kids, it means that she is an excellent grandma, so then I can teach my kids to love and honor her.” (If she doesn’t, I will feel resentful and angry.)

“If my boss gives me a raise, it means that he sees my worth and believes in me, so then I will respect him and say only great things about him.” (If he doesn’t, I will badmouth him in the staff room.)

The problem with loving people in this way - with “shoulds” and conditions - is that there is SO much room for disappointment and negativity. 

Every time we have an expectation about how others should behave, or what they should say, we are setting ourselves (and our relationships) up for failure and pain.

The problem with emotions like disappointment and frustration is that when we feel them, WE are the ones feeling awful. Our feelings don’t upset the person we’re upset with. They affect us!

When I’m really upset with someone I can walk around all day feeling low and sad. My mind ruminates on what has happened, rather than focusing on the work I love, enjoying time with others, exercising, playing with my kids and generally feeling happy and healthy.

What if, instead of feeling negativity, you could just LOVE your dad, your best friend, your spouse, your boss… unconditionally!

What would that be like for you?

What would that feel like for you?

How would your life change if you could show up full of unconditional love and just accept everyone exactly as they are?

Now, I’m not suggesting that you let people walk all over you!  OF COURSE you should have healthy boundaries that feel good to you.

But, what if someone could let you down and you could simply feel love for them?

What if they didn’t play by your rulebook, but lived according to their own rules… and you could love them anyway? 

Is there EVER a time when loving someone doesn’t feel better than being upset with them?

You don’t have to hang out with a person who isn’t meeting your needs, but does it ever actually feel good, or make your day better, to experience a ton of negative emotions toward another human?  Do resentment, bitterness, rage, frustration and regret actually feel great?

Wouldn’t love feel better?

Multiple studies have documented the health benefits of practicing unconditional love including:

• having a stronger immune system

• experiencing greater resilience to stress

• increasing your ability to form positive, healthy relationships

Unconditional love is freeing.  It is empowering. If you don’t believe me, give it a try!  

Who is someone you can practice loving unconditionally today?  

• The worker at the dry-cleaning store that doesn’t have your order ready on time?

• The waitress at the restaurant that gets your order wrong?

• The friend who cancels your coffee date at the last minute because she overslept?

• The husband who forgot it was your anniversary?

The next time you find yourself in a moment where an adult has said or done something that you feel upset or badly about, I challenge you to take a deep breath and explore having unconditional love for them.  You may be surprised by how much better it feels to live your life with compassion and acceptance.

You’ll free up so much emotional energy, you just might find it easy-peasy to LOVE YOURSELF unconditionally too! 

Are you struggling to feel unconditional love for someone in your life, but really want to explore this as an option for your own health and happiness?? If so, coaching can really help! It changed my life and I know it can change yours too.

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love would like to create or build an incredible relationship based on unconditional love, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

Blog Photo Credit: T.R. Brunson Jr. (Instagram: @tedbrunson)