Unconditional Love: How YOU Can Transform Your Relationships and Feel Better!

What does unconditional love mean to you?

I asked this of a few clients recently, and each of them had a pretty recognizable answer:

• “It means loving somebody, no matter what their actions are.”

• “It means loving a person or people, even when it’s hard to do.”

• “Unconditional love means that you keep your heart open, even when you’d sometimes rather rather close it.”

When we think about feeling true unconditional love, it pretty often comes up in context to children and animals. 

Humans find it easier to forgive, be peaceful, and wholly love when it comes to others that we perceive to be young and/or defenseless.  When your little puppy vomits on your expensive rug, it’s easier to show up kindly and with compassion.

If your three year-old daughter had a big tantrum at the mall it might be frustrating or even embarrassing in the moment but very few of us would ever think the thought, “Maybe she and I shouldn’t be together anymore!”

We place very different expectations on our romantic partners or other adults, however.

If your 35 year-old spouse had their own tantrum at the mall, your frustration and embarrassment at that moment might lead you to suggest all kinds of things: “Let’s take a break,” “I think you need professional help!” or even, “Grow up!!!”

Loving another human unselfishly and without conditions means that you genuinely care about the happiness of that person.  Unconditional love means that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help another person feel good without expecting any particular behavior or reward in return.  

Most adults have long lists of expectations about their romantic partners.  

• “He needs to be tidy.”

• “She needs to be a good cook.”

• “He needs to call or text me.”

• “She needs to take care of her physical appearance.”

In fact, over the course of our lifetime, humans usually develop an entire internal instruction guide for how other people “SHOULD” act in order for us to love or even like them.  This is actually the opposite of unconditional love, because we place a lot of conditions on how we will show up for another person:

• “If he takes me on a romantic getaway, it means that he really loves me so then I can put down my guard and fully love him too.”

• “If she doesn’t call or text me too often, it means that she is strong and independent, so then I can allow myself to put down my guard and fully love her too.”

• “If he helps out around the house, it means that he understands how exhausting my days are with the kids, so then I can feel romantic and affectionate about him.”

• “If she doesn’t fuss about me going out with my friends on the weekend, it means she really understands what I need, so then I can feel excited about being with her.”

There are so many if-then clauses in romantic relationships, we could write an entire math workbook about it!

The same rules apply to other kinds of relationships too… with our parents, siblings, friends and even work colleagues.

“If my mother offers to babysit my kids, it means that she is an excellent grandma, so then I can teach my kids to love and honor her.” (If she doesn’t, I will feel resentful and angry.)

“If my boss gives me a raise, it means that he sees my worth and believes in me, so then I will respect him and say only great things about him.” (If he doesn’t, I will badmouth him in the staff room.)

The problem with loving people in this way - with “shoulds” and conditions - is that there is SO much room for disappointment and negativity. 

Every time we have an expectation about how others should behave, or what they should say, we are setting ourselves (and our relationships) up for failure and pain.

The problem with emotions like disappointment and frustration is that when we feel them, WE are the ones feeling awful. Our feelings don’t upset the person we’re upset with. They affect us!

When I’m really upset with someone I can walk around all day feeling low and sad. My mind ruminates on what has happened, rather than focusing on the work I love, enjoying time with others, exercising, playing with my kids and generally feeling happy and healthy.

What if, instead of feeling negativity, you could just LOVE your dad, your best friend, your spouse, your boss… unconditionally!

What would that be like for you?

What would that feel like for you?

How would your life change if you could show up full of unconditional love and just accept everyone exactly as they are?

Now, I’m not suggesting that you let people walk all over you!  OF COURSE you should have healthy boundaries that feel good to you.

But, what if someone could let you down and you could simply feel love for them?

What if they didn’t play by your rulebook, but lived according to their own rules… and you could love them anyway? 

Is there EVER a time when loving someone doesn’t feel better than being upset with them?

You don’t have to hang out with a person who isn’t meeting your needs, but does it ever actually feel good, or make your day better, to experience a ton of negative emotions toward another human?  Do resentment, bitterness, rage, frustration and regret actually feel great?

Wouldn’t love feel better?

Multiple studies have documented the health benefits of practicing unconditional love including:

• having a stronger immune system

• experiencing greater resilience to stress

• increasing your ability to form positive, healthy relationships

Unconditional love is freeing.  It is empowering. If you don’t believe me, give it a try!  

Who is someone you can practice loving unconditionally today?  

• The worker at the dry-cleaning store that doesn’t have your order ready on time?

• The waitress at the restaurant that gets your order wrong?

• The friend who cancels your coffee date at the last minute because she overslept?

• The husband who forgot it was your anniversary?

The next time you find yourself in a moment where an adult has said or done something that you feel upset or badly about, I challenge you to take a deep breath and explore having unconditional love for them.  You may be surprised by how much better it feels to live your life with compassion and acceptance.

You’ll free up so much emotional energy, you just might find it easy-peasy to LOVE YOURSELF unconditionally too! 

Are you struggling to feel unconditional love for someone in your life, but really want to explore this as an option for your own health and happiness?? If so, coaching can really help! It changed my life and I know it can change yours too.

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I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love would like to create or build an incredible relationship based on unconditional love, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

Blog Photo Credit: T.R. Brunson Jr. (Instagram: @tedbrunson)