Unconditional Love: How YOU Can Transform Your Relationships and Feel Better!

What does unconditional love mean to you?

I asked this of a few clients recently, and each of them had a pretty recognizable answer:

• “It means loving somebody, no matter what their actions are.”

• “It means loving a person or people, even when it’s hard to do.”

• “Unconditional love means that you keep your heart open, even when you’d sometimes rather rather close it.”

When we think about feeling true unconditional love, it pretty often comes up in context to children and animals. 

Humans find it easier to forgive, be peaceful, and wholly love when it comes to others that we perceive to be young and/or defenseless.  When your little puppy vomits on your expensive rug, it’s easier to show up kindly and with compassion.

If your three year-old daughter had a big tantrum at the mall it might be frustrating or even embarrassing in the moment but very few of us would ever think the thought, “Maybe she and I shouldn’t be together anymore!”

We place very different expectations on our romantic partners or other adults, however.

If your 35 year-old spouse had their own tantrum at the mall, your frustration and embarrassment at that moment might lead you to suggest all kinds of things: “Let’s take a break,” “I think you need professional help!” or even, “Grow up!!!”

Loving another human unselfishly and without conditions means that you genuinely care about the happiness of that person.  Unconditional love means that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help another person feel good without expecting any particular behavior or reward in return.  

Most adults have long lists of expectations about their romantic partners.  

• “He needs to be tidy.”

• “She needs to be a good cook.”

• “He needs to call or text me.”

• “She needs to take care of her physical appearance.”

In fact, over the course of our lifetime, humans usually develop an entire internal instruction guide for how other people “SHOULD” act in order for us to love or even like them.  This is actually the opposite of unconditional love, because we place a lot of conditions on how we will show up for another person:

• “If he takes me on a romantic getaway, it means that he really loves me so then I can put down my guard and fully love him too.”

• “If she doesn’t call or text me too often, it means that she is strong and independent, so then I can allow myself to put down my guard and fully love her too.”

• “If he helps out around the house, it means that he understands how exhausting my days are with the kids, so then I can feel romantic and affectionate about him.”

• “If she doesn’t fuss about me going out with my friends on the weekend, it means she really understands what I need, so then I can feel excited about being with her.”

There are so many if-then clauses in romantic relationships, we could write an entire math workbook about it!

The same rules apply to other kinds of relationships too… with our parents, siblings, friends and even work colleagues.

“If my mother offers to babysit my kids, it means that she is an excellent grandma, so then I can teach my kids to love and honor her.” (If she doesn’t, I will feel resentful and angry.)

“If my boss gives me a raise, it means that he sees my worth and believes in me, so then I will respect him and say only great things about him.” (If he doesn’t, I will badmouth him in the staff room.)

The problem with loving people in this way - with “shoulds” and conditions - is that there is SO much room for disappointment and negativity. 

Every time we have an expectation about how others should behave, or what they should say, we are setting ourselves (and our relationships) up for failure and pain.

The problem with emotions like disappointment and frustration is that when we feel them, WE are the ones feeling awful. Our feelings don’t upset the person we’re upset with. They affect us!

When I’m really upset with someone I can walk around all day feeling low and sad. My mind ruminates on what has happened, rather than focusing on the work I love, enjoying time with others, exercising, playing with my kids and generally feeling happy and healthy.

What if, instead of feeling negativity, you could just LOVE your dad, your best friend, your spouse, your boss… unconditionally!

What would that be like for you?

What would that feel like for you?

How would your life change if you could show up full of unconditional love and just accept everyone exactly as they are?

Now, I’m not suggesting that you let people walk all over you!  OF COURSE you should have healthy boundaries that feel good to you.

But, what if someone could let you down and you could simply feel love for them?

What if they didn’t play by your rulebook, but lived according to their own rules… and you could love them anyway? 

Is there EVER a time when loving someone doesn’t feel better than being upset with them?

You don’t have to hang out with a person who isn’t meeting your needs, but does it ever actually feel good, or make your day better, to experience a ton of negative emotions toward another human?  Do resentment, bitterness, rage, frustration and regret actually feel great?

Wouldn’t love feel better?

Multiple studies have documented the health benefits of practicing unconditional love including:

• having a stronger immune system

• experiencing greater resilience to stress

• increasing your ability to form positive, healthy relationships

Unconditional love is freeing.  It is empowering. If you don’t believe me, give it a try!  

Who is someone you can practice loving unconditionally today?  

• The worker at the dry-cleaning store that doesn’t have your order ready on time?

• The waitress at the restaurant that gets your order wrong?

• The friend who cancels your coffee date at the last minute because she overslept?

• The husband who forgot it was your anniversary?

The next time you find yourself in a moment where an adult has said or done something that you feel upset or badly about, I challenge you to take a deep breath and explore having unconditional love for them.  You may be surprised by how much better it feels to live your life with compassion and acceptance.

You’ll free up so much emotional energy, you just might find it easy-peasy to LOVE YOURSELF unconditionally too! 

Are you struggling to feel unconditional love for someone in your life, but really want to explore this as an option for your own health and happiness?? If so, coaching can really help! It changed my life and I know it can change yours too.

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love would like to create or build an incredible relationship based on unconditional love, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

Blog Photo Credit: T.R. Brunson Jr. (Instagram: @tedbrunson)

“I Feel Like I’ve Lost Everything!!” Isn’t Going To Get You Through The Night.

How A Coach Can Help You PERMANENTLY Mend Your Broken Heart!  

(PART 1 OF SERIES)

As a life coach, I have the best job in the world.  I love my clients, and it’s so exciting to see the ways in which our work together can lead to increased confidence, success in work and relationships, hitting big goals and charting out a clear path toward a beautiful future.  

I’ve created a series of posts to share some of the many ways in which a focused, insightful coach can offer support and accountability in tricky situations. 

Today in Part I of this series about life coaching, I’ll share “Getting Through A Broken Heart,” loosely based on the collective experiences of a few clients.  I’ve merged their stories to show readers how coaching works! Names and details of this story have been altered to protect their anonymity.  

Stuck In Heartbreak 

Aka NAVIGATING PAINFUL TRANSITIONS

“He broke my heart,” Imogen* weeps, halfway through our session.  “I just don’t see how anything in my life will ever be the same now.  We’d talked about getting married; about having kids. I thought he was the one for me. How could I be so wrong?”

She twists a silver band around her ring finger, as though imagining an engagement ring there that will now not exist.

“If we’d had kids, I was going to name one of them Thomas and the other one Charlie.  Charlie’s a name that can work for a boy or a girl,” she explains to me, as though I should understand that this makes her situation much worse.  “Now I may never be a mother!”

Imogen cries even harder, blowing her nose into a Kleenex.

Imogen is suffering because she thinks she has lost not just a boyfriend but also an entire future she had imagined for herself: the fiance and husband she had expected him to become… the children she had imagined they would create together… and even her opportunity to experience motherhood at all. 

She had created a world of beautiful-sounding, lovely-feeling thoughts.  They are now crashing down rather unceremoniously, because her boyfriend Tony has just broken up with her.  Imogen shares with me that she feels terrible and devastated. 

As Imogen’s coach, it is my job to stay neutral.  I can’t help her if I am emotional too. Instead, I get to show her that her thoughts are optional.

“Have you ever considered,” I ask her, “That the beautiful story you are telling me was just a hypothetical?  Sure, maybe you and Tony could have gotten married and had one boy and one girl and lived happily ever after… but isn’t it equally likely that there are plenty of other futures out there where things wouldn’t have gone as perfectly as in this version?”

Imogen frowns, but stops sobbing.  “What?” she asks, looking confused.

“Has it occurred to you that none of us actually know what the future holds?  You think you’ve lost something amazing and important.  However, who’s to say that a life with Tony would have been happy and perfect?  What if he turned out to be a liar or a cheat? What if one or both of you developed a drinking problem?  What if you’d had those 2 kids, Maxwell and Charlie, and then Tony had taken off and left you raising them by yourself?  The truth is, we don’t actually know the future. It lives only in our imagination. We just know what actually DID happen.”

Imogen stares at me through red-rimmed eyes; but I can see that she is thinking hard about what I have said.  Now she has completely stopped crying, and she has a lot of questions for me.

As Imogen’s coach, I get to help her recognize that her thoughts about Tony (along with her thoughts about their breakup) are causing her to feel tremendous pain.  

Once Imogen really understands that her heartbreak is not caused by the fact that Tony broke up with her; but instead comes from what she is making it mean inside of her brain (TRAGEDY: MASSIVE, UNREMITTING, ETERNAL LOSS)… she will be able finally to dry her tears and then take her power back - for good.

I can show her that another woman who didn’t like Tony much or wasn’t attracted to him would have totally different thoughts about the exact same situation. 

This is just the beginning of our work together, but we are off to a great start!  

I am blessed to help clients like Imogen navigate through painful life transitions and rediscover what makes them special; reconnect with what lights them up and inspires them; create new goals and redefine who they are in the wake of a profound loss.  Together we can chart a course forward that makes sense to each client and feels authentic and achievable.  

Although it doesn’t happen overnight, real healing and even thriving after loss is not just possible - it’s very likely!

When I hear the words, “I’m starting to feel hope again,” or “I’m starting to believe that love can still happen for me,” I know that clients like Imogen are beginning to understand the extent to which their mindset can make a profound and lasting impact on how they will rebuild after losses for the rest of their lives.

It’s so exciting, and I’m so grateful to do this work! 

To learn more about more ways in which having a life coach on your team can tremendously improve the quality of your life and relationships, check back soon to read Part 2 of this series! 

Interested in being coached by Andrea or asking questions about coaching?  Click here or send a message to: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com.

*Name and details of story altered to protect client anonymity.

“My Heart Seriously EXPLODES When I See That Smile!”

How your thoughts determine who you love.

Today I’d like to talk to you about love and attraction.

The concept I’d like to share with you is how your thoughts are related to the love that you feel, the love you give, and the love you choose to keep in your life.

Most of us are raised to believe in fairy tales. 

People believe that love happens to us magically… that we don’t have any control over who we love (or who we don’t love). 

“It just happens,” you may tell your friends. “I can never predict when it will happen or who it will happen with… love is mysterious and almost supernatural!”

This is not actually true though.

We can choose who we want to love, because we can choose the thoughts we have about other people.

You may be thinking, “Andrea, that’s crazy!  I can’t choose to be interested in that big goofball of a guy/girl that keeps showing up at my desk at lunch!  I’m totally not attracted to them!”

The funny thing is that both love and attraction are all based upon your thoughts.

The things you think about this person determine your attraction to them.  “What a funny, unattractive goofball,” you say, and BAM - you’ve just thrown them deep into the friend-zone.

That thought sure didn’t create any attraction inside your brain or body for this funny, goofy person. 

Maybe you have feelings instead for the “bad boy/girl” at the office… the unpredictable person that everyone is talking about.  “I never know what they’re going to do,” you think. “And gosh. EVERYONE likes them. My best friend has a crush on them too!” That thought makes the person seem more desirable; less available, less controllable… almost unattainable.  

“That person is SO exciting,” you say. “I wonder if they’re single? I wonder if they could ever like me?”

You see, we do choose who we want to love.

“NO,” you tell me, “It doesn’t work that way, Andrea,” and then you launch into a lengthy discussion of pheromones and science.

Let me clear that right up.

It’s true to a degree.  You CAN have an amazing physical rush from the pheromones of another human.  You may definitely think, “Wow, they smell so good!” or “He/she is so HOT!”

However, if a police officer knocked on your door 10 minutes later and told you that this same gorgeous guy or gal you’re lusting over is actually a serial killer and you’re next on their list, I can guarantee you that your powerful attraction to them would evaporate. Poof! Gone.  

(Replaced, probably, by terror!)

What changed?  Their pheromones?  Nope. Their looks and charm?  The way they crack a smile? Nope.

The thing that changed was your thought about them.  

Have you ever noticed that over time one person can become more and more beautiful to you, while another person can become less and less attractive?

It’s all about your thoughts.  As you get to know a person you make little adjustments. 

“That person in my math class is so intelligent and funny,” you may one day think.  “I wonder why I never noticed before that they have a beautiful smile?”

“I used to think that bartender was great,” you may slowly realize, “But now I find him/her so annoying.  They’re not really that attractive, either. What was I thinking!?!”

You have a tremendous amount of choice and power when it comes to who you love.

This is so freeing and liberating. 

Have you ever said, “I wish I could love ________.  He/she is like family to me. Sadly, I’m just not attracted to them.”  

It’s not the person though that you’re not attracted to. You’re not attracted to the thoughts you have about them. 

“They’re SO NICE,” you may think, and then wonder why you feel zero attraction.

Have you ever considered that, “They’re so nice,” doesn’t actually create attraction for you?

To change the level of attraction, you need to change the thought.

“HOW?” you ask. 

Well… try these on for size.  

• “I’m learning to believe that nice people can also be attractive.”

• “I think a good sense of humor is a real turn-on.”  

• “I love me a reliable, kind human.”

• “Intelligence is HOT!”  

• “You know… Dorkiness is actually kind of adorable.”

• “Those blue eyes are really sparkly.”

So, it’s time to get clear with yourself about the power your thoughts have over your relationships, attractions and feelings.

In Bridget Jones’s Diary, Bridget suddenly realizes that she finds ‘boring’ businessman Mark Darcy very attractive, even more so than the ‘dangerous’ cad Daniel Cleaver. Everything shifts for her.

In an instant the reliable, stable character with dry wit has rocketed out of the friend zone to become the romantic hero.  “Nice boys don’t kiss like that,” she says… but Mark proves once again that her thought is not a fact.

Everyone wins!  Bridget has chosen happiness and created love by changing her thoughts.

You get to choose your own happy ending too!