Manage Your Sphere Plus ONE Extra Thing!

I haven’t seen my 82 year old mother in weeks now, even though she lives just 5 blocks away.  Ever since California Governor Gavin Newsom advised adults 65+ to stay at home, Mom has followed orders.

We speak every day on the telephone for up to an hour. Last week I ran an errand for her, and recently my brother brought groceries and left them outside of her door. A few days ago I walked to her house and we waved to each other and smiled, separated by the window. Keeping Mom safe during COVID-19 has become a central mission in my family… for the four of her children that remain, she is absolutely our national treasure.   

My big sister, a genius quilter and crafter, is busy sewing scores of face masks to donate to local hospitals.  Her washable cotton masks fit over the personal protective equipment (PPE) that doctors and nurses are legally required to wear - which they are quickly running out of - and will help those masks last longer.  It’s not a perfect situation but she was asked to do this by two of her close friends that are nurses. She is working hard and doing whatever she can to help!

I myself don’t have a sewing machine or fabric… however I too am focused on doing what I can. I’ve opened up a bunch of additional online session time slots to coach as many people as I can who need help or support right now; anyone dealing with anxiety or stress… plus anyone who wants to take this sudden, unexpected downturn in the economy as an opportunity to reinvent themselves and realize their life goals and dreams.  

It isn’t as practical as sewing face masks or delivering food to an Emergency Room (looking into how to do that!) but it’s something I can do right away to help. Several of my clients are physicians or nurses and it feels really good to offer emotional and psychological support to people who are marching off to the front lines of this battle with COVID-19 every day. If I can lighten their load even a tiny bit, that’s everything to me. I’m also making short inspirational videos and writing blog posts that can be passed around.  

The magnitude of COVID-19 may seem vast and overwhelming; but there is a very simple strategy that we can all follow, no matter who we are, to get the best results possible right now.  That strategy is called Manage Your Sphere… plus ONE extra thing.

“What’s my sphere?” you may ask, “And how do I manage it?”

Your sphere of influence is what you can actually see, touch and have an immediate effect upon. For many of us, that might be one room right now… one apartment.

Managing it might be simply washing up your dishes after you’ve made lunch. It could be doing laundry for your kids, because even stuck at home in quarantine, kids manage to get amazingly messy and they still create endless laundry. If you are lucky enough to have a business it may be managing employees from home, and if you are lucky enough to still have a job it may be simply showing up on time and getting your work done!  

Many have found themselves suddenly unemployed right now, wondering frantically how they are going to pay bills or take care of their family. I just saw an advertisement from a humane society in Nebraska (I live in California) begging people to adopt new pets because many people who have just been laid off cannot afford to take care of their animals anymore and are relinquishing them to the humane society.  

“How can I manage my sphere,” you may ask, “When I’m losing my job or my house or my pet… and when people I love may die?  How do I move forward under circumstances like these?”

The answer is to start small.  Manage Your Sphere… plus ONE extra thing means starting with what IS in your control… no matter how little it is.  Your small steps forward will lead to further steps… which will lead ultimately to big steps.  

You may not be able to manage COVID-19 or your financial future at this exact moment, but perhaps you CAN manage to do 10 pushups or 10 sit ups, right where you are.  You CAN manage to make your bed, brush your teeth, or put on clean clothing and make yourself something to eat. Start small, and manage what you can.  

Once you’ve managed your sphere, see if you can do ONE extra thing.  

What kind of an extra thing?  Well, how about some of these:  Send a kind text to a friend. Check on an elderly relative or neighbor.  Draw a picture with chalk (if you have it) on your driveway or sidewalk (if you have those) to brighten somebody’s day.  Post a photograph of something beautiful on a social network. Draw a message to yourself on your mirror of something positive - remind yourself that you have everything it takes to get through hard times.  Make a list of all of the tough things you’ve gotten through in the past.  

Lastly, capture all of the good and great things you are doing (no matter how small they are).  Keep track so that you can remind yourself of how capable you really are, even during super tough times.  Make a list of everything you manage to accomplish in your day - especially if/when you are feeling very badly!  There is no shame in writing down, “I got dressed today, made myself lunch and began to update my resume.” And if you can add ONE extra… such as, “At 5pm I called my grandfather to check in,” then you have truly won the day.

To recap, here are the 3 steps to follow with this strategy:

1. Manage your sphere - all that IS in your control, even if it’s not much.

2. Do ONE extra thing, for yourself or someone else!

3. Write it all down. Keep track of your successes.

Day by day, you are going to walk your way out of this COVID-19 crisis… and when you get to the other side, you are going to look back and realize that every single step forward and every “ONE extra” you did was not just necessary… it was also beautiful. 

Manage Your Sphere… plus ONE extra thing is how you will become the strong, successful future self that you are destined to be. 

Good luck and please keep me posted.  After publishing this blog I myself am going to go scrub a bathroom and make sure my 3 kids have finished their homework! 

What does it look like to manage your sphere?  What is your ONE extra thing today? Please post below, I’d genuinely love to know. 

Let Go Lightly

“Hold on tightly, let go lightly.”

There’s a funny story that a dear friend of mine used to share about me; or rather about something that happened during my junior year of high school.  A bunch of us had gone together to see some kind of musical or show in the school’s auditorium. I was seated next to a boy that I’d dated for about 5 months but who had broken up with me at the start of the new school year. 

“Every time I looked over,” my friend chuckled, “Andrea would be leaning a little bit toward Samuel*... and Samuel would be leaning a little bit further away from Andrea.”  

My friend then held up his hands in parallel to show each of his palms starting to lean gradually to the left in unison, as a visual explanation. 

When he recounted this story to our friends we all laughed hysterically - me included - but deep down I felt embarrassment and shame. I knew my friend’s story was true. I was smart enough to recognize that I was obviously holding on to a past relationship that didn’t want to be held! 

Everyone around me could see that it was way past time for me to let go. I could see it too! I just didn’t know how.

Learning how to let go lightly is a skill you can develop over time and it begins with your thoughts. 

There are so many reasons why people don’t let go of things.  Inside of their own brains, those reasons usually make sense, too!

Junior year of high school was several decades ago now but I can still remember my 16 year old brain thinking, “I miss being Samuel’s girlfriend.”  That thought made sense to me at the time and, since the feeling that accompanied it was yearning, I leaned toward Samuel in the auditorium without even meaning to!

People of all ages hold on to lots of things tightly… way beyond just their past relationships. 

They hold onto:

• jobs that bring them stress

• sorrows that bring them pain

• fears that hold them back

• beliefs that they were raised with

• self-hate about their own bodies

• prejudices

• possessions they don’t need

• the need to be right 

• dreams that didn’t come true

• children that are ready to grow up

A lot of times humans actually KNOW that they should let go. Their reasons for holding on can always be found in thought errors (flawed reasoning or rationalization).

They think thoughts like:

• “I hate this job... but if I quit, I may never find a better one.”

• “I wish I could fly to Japan... but I’m too scared that the airplane will crash.”

• “If I break up with him... my family will never forgive me.”

• “I don’t really like playing football anymore... but if I quit, my Dad will kill me.”

• “I’d love to stop drinking on weekends... but if I do my friends won’t want to hang out with me!”

• “I know my son Danny is seventeen now... but he’s still too young to date.”

Even though all of these are just thoughts, they seem real to the people who are thinking them. You may have friends that confide in you and share thoughts just like these. They’ll tell you their thinking calmly and emphatically, or really seriously, just like they’re reading you the news!

They don’t even realize that these are just projections, imaginings or opinions. They think they are just telling you THE FACTS!

Thoughts like these can be SO strong that people hold onto all kinds of other humans, behaviors and situations WAY PAST when it’s time to let go.  They hold on even when they know they shouldn’t… that the behavior is not constructive and not moving them forward into a life that they actually WANT to choose!

Letting go lightly is an art form.  It requires trust, self-confidence, faith… and, a lot of times, self-love.  To let go lightly, a person has to dig deep and truly believe in themselves.  

It often also means that they have to address their own deep-seated fears and anxieties head-on.

Letting go lightly looks more like this: 

• “I am scared to quit this job but I truly believe I will figure things out and find a better one.”

• “I am scared to fly to Japan, but I know that I will be so proud of myself and so excited when I get to Tokyo.”

• “If I break up with him, my family may be upset but I know we will all get through it and be okay.”

• “I don’t like playing football.  My Dad may be upset at first, but I believe he will come to understand and we will build a strong relationship in a different way.”

• “I’d love to stop drinking on weekends, and I have faith that I’ll still have a ton of friends - even if I need to go out and make some new ones!”

• “My son Danny is 17 and I’m scared that he’ll get hurt or make a mistake but deep down I know he’s ready to decide for himself if he wants to date anybody.”

This kind of thinking is not automatic for any of us but, with focus and practice, humans can get really good at letting go when it’s time to do so.

In summary, the thoughts you choose to think on a daily basis can either make letting go really easy for you, or really hard.  

Is there anything (or anyone!) that you are holding onto that you know you need to let go of?  If your answer is YES, try answering the following questions for yourself:

1. What are 3 great reasons why I should trust and believe in myself today?

2. What’s a good way that I can show love and compassion to myself in this moment? 

3. What are the fears I will need to overcome to finally let this go? 

Your answers to these questions will help you to understand yourself better, relax, and move forward.

Holding on tightly isn’t a requirement of life, it’s usually just a reaction. You can actually train your brain to let go lightly, and chances are that you’ll feel SO much better when you do! 

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love are struggling to let go of something or someone, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

*Name changed for anonymity

Freeing Yourself from the Imaginary Alternative to Live Fully NOW

Have you ever found yourself daydreaming about the future you might have had, if only something had happened differently in your past?

• “If only I hadn’t broken up with my high school sweetheart, we might be married today with two kids!”

• “If only I hadn’t dropped out of school, I might be making six figures!”

• “If only I hadn’t gotten sick, we wouldn’t be in so much debt today!”

I like to call this kind of thinking, “The Imaginary Alternative.” 

It seems so harmless, just a simple fantasy here and there about the WHAT IFs.  Entire movies have been built around this concept, consider the romantic classic film Sliding Doors (1998) where if only Gwyneth Paltrow’s character had caught the train that day instead of missing it, her entire life trajectory would have been different.

People use imaginary alternatives as a way of comforting themselves during tough times, almost like a buffer from pain.  They think, “If only X had happened, I bet I would be the amazing person now that I know deep down I am meant to be!”

Notably, fantasies about what could have been are almost always POSITIVE.  

It’s pretty rare for one of my clients to think or express something like, “If I hadn’t met my husband, I might actually be desperately lonely today…” or, “If I hadn’t gotten to fill that prescription at the pharmacy, my daughter might actually not have recovered from her pneumonia and we could’ve had a terrible tragedy on our hands.”  

Humans typically focus on how things in their real life aren’t perfect… and imagine how they could’ve been better. They don’t often consider that they may already be living in the best of all possible scenarios.

There can be a real downside to focusing on your Imaginary Alternative.  

When you are busy thinking about all of the ways in which your life could have turned out better if you’d made a different choice in the past, you are neglecting yourself.

You are not focusing all of your energy on where you are RIGHT NOW. You are not fully investing in what you want to create IN THIS MOMENT.

That wife or girlfriend sitting at your kitchen counter is a person with whom you still have tremendous potential because the relationship is happening NOW.

When you’re busy fantasizing about a girl you dated 12 years ago rather than the actual human eating breakfast next to you, you lose out on the opportunity to make THIS relationship all that it can be.

You may also be giving up your power to own your results.  Your past-focused thoughts hide the truth from you - that you have the ability at any moment to adopt new ideas, take new actions and build amazing new relationships and opportunities.  

If you spend your time thinking sorrowfully about what you didn’t do, you rob yourself of the realization that you are fully in charge of how you show up in your own life and what you can do right now.

Who DO you want to be, today?

Is it productive for you to spend your day ruminating on the job you lost 3 years ago? Or do you want to work on finding new work, growing as a candidate, and moving forward?

If you could channel and focus all of your mental energy directly back into your life as it is now, what would you want to build?  What would you want to change?  

What would you CREATE if you could make anything possible for yourself? 

The Imaginary Alternative will always be just that… imaginary. It’s make believe. It may feel good in the moment but it has no real constructive value in your life. Thinking about what ‘could have been’ may even take away from the quality of your present day, by making you feel nostalgic, sad or melancholy.  

Luckily, life has a gift for you.

You have a new day right here. 24 hours of potential, unfolding right in front of you.  

Everything that has happened in your life has led you to this moment, so that you can use it to forge a beautiful and amazing future.  

It may be a cliche but there is real truth to this concept: “If you can dream it, you can do it.”  No matter how old you are or what happened (or didn’t happen) in the past, you CAN start fresh… moving forward with your eyes not fixed on the hypothetical rearview mirror but instead on the HORIZON.  

• Do you have an imaginary alternative that you like to dream or ruminate about from time to time?  

• Does it take away from the quality of your day-to-day life?

• Do you have trouble staying focused on the present?

• Is it impacting your ability to create an inspiring and incredible future?  

If you’d like to apply this concept to your REAL life, right now and need some help, support or teaching as you learn to manage your thinking and harness your own fantastic mental power, coaching can help!

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love would like to free yourself from your own ‘Imaginary Alternative’ and live an incredible life NOW, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

Coronavirus worries? 5 Tips to Create and Maintain a Healthy Mindset!

“I can’t sleep at night,” Maria* tells me. “I am literally laying awake in my bed at night worrying about this coronavirus.”

“Why?” I ask. Maria is a newer client, so we are just getting to know each other.

“My brain won’t turn off,” she explains. “I keep thinking about my kids, wondering about Jon’s asthma. I feel like my mind is stuck. I’m stressed out about getting extra medical supplies, trying to make sure I will have everything he needs if the pharmacies run out ...or, worse, what I will do if he gets the virus.”

“What’s your main concern?”

“That I’m going to mess up. That I’m unprepared. What if this gets bad and something happens to one of them, or to me?  What if I haven’t done enough? What if one of us… (Maria lowers her voice nearly to a whisper)... dies?” Her eyes fill with tears.

“From everything I’ve read and heard, the virus does not seem to be affecting children that much,” I remind Maria. “Odds are good that your kids are going to be okay, even if they do get the virus. It seems to be impacting elderly people a lot more.”

“I know,” she nods, “But I’m still completely stressed out.”

“Let’s look at it a little more deeply. When you find yourself thinking that you or one of your kids might die from the COVID-19, what emotion do you feel?” 

“Devastated,” she admits.  “I feel helpless and sad.”

“Which one of those feelings is strongest?  Devastation, helplessness or sorrow?”

“I guess it’s helpless,” Maria says. “Helpless because this thing is out there and I can’t control it. I can’t stop it from coming to my city or my kids’ school or my house. I can’t stop it from affecting my family.”

Maria is not alone right now.  People all over the United States, and all over the world, are experiencing a similar sense of anxiety, stress and fear related to the spread of the Wuhan coronavirus.

When you turn on the news, it’s one of the top stories on radio stations and television. At dinners, parties or BBQs with friends, coronavirus is now a leading topic of discussion. Coronavirus anxiety is growing and spreading, just like the virus itself.  Maybe faster!

This kind of anxiety isn’t productive though, and it doesn’t actually help Maria or her son Jon to survive, let alone thrive, during a possible pandemic. 

Maria is ruminating, which is a way of describing the process of continuously thinking the same negative thoughts, over and over.  

Ruminating isn’t good for mental health.  It has been shown to prolong periods of depression and make it difficult for humans to think clearly and process information.  It can also make a person feel intensely alone and isolated. 

In a situation such as an international health crisis, worrying and ruminating are unlikely to help Maria to make decisions for herself and for her family from a calm and thoughtful place.  

“What would you like to be feeling right now?” I ask Maria.

“I’d love to feel prepared,” she sighed.  “Like, whatever happens, I’ve done my best.  I’d like to think, “I’ve got this.”

“Great,” I smile.  “If you really KNEW that you were as prepared as possible, what would you do?”

“I guess I would relax a little,” she says.  “I would spend time with Jon and my other kids, and really focus on enjoying my time with them. I would focus on just being a good mom.”

“I have great news,” I smile. “All of that is actually available to you… right now!” 

As we continue with our session I will help Maria delve more deeply into how her thoughts and feelings produce the actions that she takes and the results that she sees in her life.

I will show her how adapting her thinking and her focus can create relaxation and improved focus right in this exact moment.

I am also happy to share tools and strategies with Maria that can help her to turn down the volume of her anxiety so that she can actually enjoy her day and her relationships.

Here are some of the additional strategies I would share with Maria to help her decompress:

Make a plan. 

Instead of fixating on the problem, Maria and I can work together to develop a concrete plan that addresses the concerns that are keeping her up at night.  We can calendar the times when she will call the doctor for new prescriptions, drive to the pharmacy and pick up any supplies that little Jon may need.

Take action.

Maria can tackle every obstacle in her path as though it was an item on her “to do” list.  For example, “The doctor’s office never calls me back,” can become “I will call the doctor’s office on my morning break at 10:15 and leave a message.  If they do not call me back I will physically drive to the office on my lunch break and speak to them in person, to see about getting our prescriptions.”

Poke holes in automatic thought patterns.

Maria’s brain is convinced that scary thoughts like, “Jon may die from the coronavirus” may be a fact. Maria can poke holes in this kind of thinking by reminding herself that her son Jon is much more likely to stay healthy and survive it. As a child, his risk of having a severe case of COVID-19 is very low.  Maria can question her own anxious thoughts by asking herself, “Is that really true?” when she thinks about a possibility that is dark, scary or sad.

Meditate.

Meditating can be enormously helpful when it comes to ruminating.  When people find their minds overwhelmed with anxious thoughts that seem to repeat on a loop it’s useful to carve out 15 minutes to sit alone in a quiet space.  Focus only on breathing, in and out, and allow the brain to witness its thoughts without becoming emotionally involved with them. If Maria has trouble meditating, she can try using one of the many meditation apps on the market such as “Calm”.  

Exercise.

When humans exercise, chemicals in the brain called endorphins are produced.  Endorphins are not only natural painkillers but they also help people like Maria to sleep at night, which will also reduce her physical and mental stress.  Even just 5-10 minutes of doing any kind of aerobic activity has the capacity to reduce her level of anxiety. 

These techniques will help Maria to break her thought loops, and they can help you too!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As a life coach, I wear a lot of hats. Part of my job is helping my clients to achieve their goals… so if your biggest goal right now is to buy water and face masks, I can help you get organized and follow through on your desire to do that.  We can make a plan, and I will provide accountability and support.

However an even bigger part of what I do is clients look at their conscious and subconscious mindsets in order to figure out if their current way of looking at the world is constructive. 

Is your current thinking about COVID-19 helping you? Is it motivating you and making you feel calm and ready? Or is it making your day-to-day life harder, more uncomfortable or more painful?

Is there another way of looking at coronavirus that would be easier, gentler, more inspiring and more peaceful?  Is there a point of view that will help you move through your day and get things done without feeling devastated and exhausted? 

If you or someone you love has been feeling overwhelmed by feelings of panic and fear over the recent worldwide spread of the coronavirus, coaching can help in a variety of ways.  A good coach can teach you how to implement strategies in your own life that will create true mental and emotional health!

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love are struggling with anxiety or stress over the COVID-19 outbreak, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

*Name and identifying information has been altered to protect client anonymity. “Maria” is also a composite of multiple clients.

Unconditional Love: How YOU Can Transform Your Relationships and Feel Better!

What does unconditional love mean to you?

I asked this of a few clients recently, and each of them had a pretty recognizable answer:

• “It means loving somebody, no matter what their actions are.”

• “It means loving a person or people, even when it’s hard to do.”

• “Unconditional love means that you keep your heart open, even when you’d sometimes rather rather close it.”

When we think about feeling true unconditional love, it pretty often comes up in context to children and animals. 

Humans find it easier to forgive, be peaceful, and wholly love when it comes to others that we perceive to be young and/or defenseless.  When your little puppy vomits on your expensive rug, it’s easier to show up kindly and with compassion.

If your three year-old daughter had a big tantrum at the mall it might be frustrating or even embarrassing in the moment but very few of us would ever think the thought, “Maybe she and I shouldn’t be together anymore!”

We place very different expectations on our romantic partners or other adults, however.

If your 35 year-old spouse had their own tantrum at the mall, your frustration and embarrassment at that moment might lead you to suggest all kinds of things: “Let’s take a break,” “I think you need professional help!” or even, “Grow up!!!”

Loving another human unselfishly and without conditions means that you genuinely care about the happiness of that person.  Unconditional love means that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help another person feel good without expecting any particular behavior or reward in return.  

Most adults have long lists of expectations about their romantic partners.  

• “He needs to be tidy.”

• “She needs to be a good cook.”

• “He needs to call or text me.”

• “She needs to take care of her physical appearance.”

In fact, over the course of our lifetime, humans usually develop an entire internal instruction guide for how other people “SHOULD” act in order for us to love or even like them.  This is actually the opposite of unconditional love, because we place a lot of conditions on how we will show up for another person:

• “If he takes me on a romantic getaway, it means that he really loves me so then I can put down my guard and fully love him too.”

• “If she doesn’t call or text me too often, it means that she is strong and independent, so then I can allow myself to put down my guard and fully love her too.”

• “If he helps out around the house, it means that he understands how exhausting my days are with the kids, so then I can feel romantic and affectionate about him.”

• “If she doesn’t fuss about me going out with my friends on the weekend, it means she really understands what I need, so then I can feel excited about being with her.”

There are so many if-then clauses in romantic relationships, we could write an entire math workbook about it!

The same rules apply to other kinds of relationships too… with our parents, siblings, friends and even work colleagues.

“If my mother offers to babysit my kids, it means that she is an excellent grandma, so then I can teach my kids to love and honor her.” (If she doesn’t, I will feel resentful and angry.)

“If my boss gives me a raise, it means that he sees my worth and believes in me, so then I will respect him and say only great things about him.” (If he doesn’t, I will badmouth him in the staff room.)

The problem with loving people in this way - with “shoulds” and conditions - is that there is SO much room for disappointment and negativity. 

Every time we have an expectation about how others should behave, or what they should say, we are setting ourselves (and our relationships) up for failure and pain.

The problem with emotions like disappointment and frustration is that when we feel them, WE are the ones feeling awful. Our feelings don’t upset the person we’re upset with. They affect us!

When I’m really upset with someone I can walk around all day feeling low and sad. My mind ruminates on what has happened, rather than focusing on the work I love, enjoying time with others, exercising, playing with my kids and generally feeling happy and healthy.

What if, instead of feeling negativity, you could just LOVE your dad, your best friend, your spouse, your boss… unconditionally!

What would that be like for you?

What would that feel like for you?

How would your life change if you could show up full of unconditional love and just accept everyone exactly as they are?

Now, I’m not suggesting that you let people walk all over you!  OF COURSE you should have healthy boundaries that feel good to you.

But, what if someone could let you down and you could simply feel love for them?

What if they didn’t play by your rulebook, but lived according to their own rules… and you could love them anyway? 

Is there EVER a time when loving someone doesn’t feel better than being upset with them?

You don’t have to hang out with a person who isn’t meeting your needs, but does it ever actually feel good, or make your day better, to experience a ton of negative emotions toward another human?  Do resentment, bitterness, rage, frustration and regret actually feel great?

Wouldn’t love feel better?

Multiple studies have documented the health benefits of practicing unconditional love including:

• having a stronger immune system

• experiencing greater resilience to stress

• increasing your ability to form positive, healthy relationships

Unconditional love is freeing.  It is empowering. If you don’t believe me, give it a try!  

Who is someone you can practice loving unconditionally today?  

• The worker at the dry-cleaning store that doesn’t have your order ready on time?

• The waitress at the restaurant that gets your order wrong?

• The friend who cancels your coffee date at the last minute because she overslept?

• The husband who forgot it was your anniversary?

The next time you find yourself in a moment where an adult has said or done something that you feel upset or badly about, I challenge you to take a deep breath and explore having unconditional love for them.  You may be surprised by how much better it feels to live your life with compassion and acceptance.

You’ll free up so much emotional energy, you just might find it easy-peasy to LOVE YOURSELF unconditionally too! 

Are you struggling to feel unconditional love for someone in your life, but really want to explore this as an option for your own health and happiness?? If so, coaching can really help! It changed my life and I know it can change yours too.

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love would like to create or build an incredible relationship based on unconditional love, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

Blog Photo Credit: T.R. Brunson Jr. (Instagram: @tedbrunson)

“My Boss Drives Me Nuts!” How Your Mindset Shapes The Way You Perform At Work.

(PART 2 OF SERIES)

Lissy* comes to our session bursting at the seams with news she wants to share about her boss, Jeremy.  

“So then he says to me, ‘I’m going to need you to work this weekend,’ even though he KNOWS that I requested to have this weekend off for my boyfriend’s cousin’s wedding.  I asked for the time off almost TWO MONTHS AGO! It’s been on the department calendar FOREVER!”

“Hmmmm…” I nod, and begin to take notes.

“YEAH!” She shakes her head in frustration.  “Can you believe the nerve of that guy?”

Lissy dives headlong back into her story about Jeremy, who is in her mind, ‘The world’s WORST boss.’  

She tells me how angry she is at Jeremy; how she hates working for him and how she thinks he is a really selfish and thoughtless person.  

Lissy signed up for life coaching with me last month because she feels unhappy in her current job and wants to figure out a different direction for her career.  In the three sessions we’ve had so far, she has started each time by sharing a lot of stories of incidents at work to explain her reasons for hating her job and disliking the people she works with… especially her boss.

As Lissy’s coach, it’s very important for me to listen to her carefully.  My role, rather than becoming emotionally invested in her discomfort and past experiences, is to hold space for her and help Lissy to look beyond the surface to figure out what is really going on for her at work. Later I will provide support and accountability as she decides for herself what she wants to build in her career.

“So, your boss told you that he needs you to work this weekend, even though you had the time off,” I reiterate.

“Yes!  Can you believe that!!!”

“What crossed your mind when he said to you, ‘I need you to work this weekend?’”

“I thought, ‘How dare he treat me like this!  He doesn’t value me at all!’” 

“Ok.  So when you started thinking that your boss doesn’t value you at all, how did you feel?”

“ANGRY!” Lissy exclaims. “Sooooo frustrated.  Now I have to tell my boyfriend Mark that I can’t go to his cousin’s wedding after all.  I already bought my dress and I was really looking forward to going to the wedding. It was going to be SO much fun!”

“Got it,” I reply.  “When you were feeling angry at your boss, what did you do?”

“Well, I sure as heck let him know that I was NOT happy!  I marched straight down to HR to let them know that I do NOT appreciate being asked to work on my scheduled time off.  We actually had a department lunch off-site that day and I told all of those guys about it. I told everyone what a dirtbag move Jeremy pulled, and what a bad boss I think he is.”

“I see.  What would you normally have been doing that afternoon, or talking about at lunch, if this situation hadn’t come up?”

“Oh gosh,” Lissy sighs.  “I guess I would have been working on finishing up the presentation I’m supposed to give next week in Atlanta.  It’s really important… we’re trying to land a new client. I wanted to get all of my work done on that project before the weekend, because I THOUGHT I was going to be at a wedding with my boyfriend!  Now I still have a bunch of things left to do.”

“So… you’re telling me that when you felt angry, you spoke with a lot of people including your boss about how unhappy you were.  You then talked your boss down openly. You didn’t finish your work or make sure you were fully prepared for your presentation next week?”

“Yep,” Lissy agrees.  “That about covers it!”  She nods, looking slightly sheepish.  “I do wish I’d gotten everything done.”

“Do you normally talk people down at the office?” I ask.

“No,” she shakes her head. “Only this guy. He’s the worst!”

I smile at Lissy. “The reason you hired me is to help you figure out what is happening inside of your brain… so you can set new goals… and discover the right career path for your future.”

“That sounds so great,” Lissy grins for the first time since we started our session.  “I can’t wait to do something new.”

“Before we can move on to something new though, we need to understand the patterns you’re currently working with. We need to figure out your habits, because those come with you to any new job.”

“When your boss told you that he needed you to work this weekend, you immediately thought that he does not value you… which made you feel angry.  After you started to feel angry, you talked negatively about him to many people at your work including HR and you didn’t focus on completing your work to the best of your ability.”

“That’s fair,” she nods.

“Do you see then that the result of thinking that your boss doesn’t value you is that you were not valuing your job?”

“YES!” she agrees, “I DON’T value this job.  I can’t wait to get a new one!”

“Not only were you not valuing your job… you were actually making yourself a bit less valuable to your workplace, in that moment.”

Missy nods silently.

“Why do you think you aren’t valuing your job right now?” I ask.

“Well there are a million reasons!” she says, “But at the top of the list is that I hate my boss!”

“I know you think that the reason you don’t value your job is because you hate your boss. But really, the reason you don’t value your job at this moment is because you are thinking that your boss does not value you.  We don’t even know if that is true.”

“Well obviously, he doesn’t!  If he valued me, he would have honored my time off!”

“I know that seems correct in your brain,” I respond, “But actually, it’s just the way you’re looking at the situation.  Why do you think he asked you, of all people, to work this weekend?”

“I don’t know,” Lissy murmurs with her eyebrows furrowed.  “Maybe because I’m in charge of the department? I guess he didn’t trust my team to have it finished correctly for next week.”

“Do you really think that is why he said he needed you, specifically?”

“I mean,” she sighs. “It’s a really crucial presentation.  He didn’t ask just me to stay… he told a few of us who are flying to Atlanta that he wanted us to work over the weekend.  I guess he wants us to practice the presentation before we fly out there. Who knows, maybe he’s feeling nervous. There’s a lot riding on this for the company,” she admitted.

“I see.  So, were all of the other people he asked to work this weekend as mad as you were?”

“No, I dunno.  I don’t think so.  I mean, nobody wants to work on a Saturday… but nobody else had a wedding to go to.”

We are only 10 minutes into our session, but we’re ready to dig into powerful stuff. I begin to help Lissy explore her mindset more deeply.  She has been so convinced that her boss is out to get her, she hasn’t been really paying attention to how she herself has been showing up at the office.  She hasn’t noticed how strongly her thoughts about the boss are actually affecting her job performance.

As Lissy’s coach, I get to hold up a mirror for her so that she can get to know what’s happening inside of her brain.  I am helping her learn how to manage her own mind so that she can show up at work as a strong, competent colleague in the most effective way possible.  

I get to support her as she begins to understand how to find peace within her current job while she works on developing the career of her dreams.  

I can help Lissy take her creative power back and make more efficient use of her time, rather than handing it off weekly whenever she gets pissed off at her boss or feels that something unjust has happened. 

We still have a lot more work to do together but we are making progress.  By the end of our 60 minute session, Lissy has had an “Aha!” moment, seeing that her boss may actually have asked her to work over the weekend because she is especially good at managing two of the creative team members who are designing the digital pitch deck for their Atlanta presentation. “Those guys are great, but really flaky,” she explains.

Lissy is less angry now, and able to think clearly about she wants to show up to work over the weekend, how she wants to direct her team, and what she wants to contribute.  She is now refocused on the Atlanta presentation; which, if it goes well, will lead to new opportunities for her.  

Lissy is not alone.  Many of my clients are working on figuring things out at work; transitioning to new jobs or even pursuing totally different career paths.  Working with difficult colleagues is often a catalyst for people to consider making a change… sometimes even to leave a job they once loved.

We take our same brain into every new job though, and we use it to think thoughts about our new coworkers… so some of the best support I can possibly give my clients is to help them do the lasting work of developing their own productive, effective mindsets.

To learn more about more ways in which having a life coach on your team can tremendously improve the quality of your relationships, plus help you develop the career of your dreams, check back soon to read my upcoming article about Unconditional Love!  

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love want to make powerful and exciting shifts in your career and transform your dealings with colleagues, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

 * * * * *

“My Boss Drives Me Nuts” is loosely based on the collective experiences of a few clients.  I’ve merged their stories to show readers how coaching works! *Names and details of this story have been altered to protect anonymity. 

“I Feel Like I’ve Lost Everything!!” Isn’t Going To Get You Through The Night.

How A Coach Can Help You PERMANENTLY Mend Your Broken Heart!  

(PART 1 OF SERIES)

As a life coach, I have the best job in the world.  I love my clients, and it’s so exciting to see the ways in which our work together can lead to increased confidence, success in work and relationships, hitting big goals and charting out a clear path toward a beautiful future.  

I’ve created a series of posts to share some of the many ways in which a focused, insightful coach can offer support and accountability in tricky situations. 

Today in Part I of this series about life coaching, I’ll share “Getting Through A Broken Heart,” loosely based on the collective experiences of a few clients.  I’ve merged their stories to show readers how coaching works! Names and details of this story have been altered to protect their anonymity.  

Stuck In Heartbreak 

Aka NAVIGATING PAINFUL TRANSITIONS

“He broke my heart,” Imogen* weeps, halfway through our session.  “I just don’t see how anything in my life will ever be the same now.  We’d talked about getting married; about having kids. I thought he was the one for me. How could I be so wrong?”

She twists a silver band around her ring finger, as though imagining an engagement ring there that will now not exist.

“If we’d had kids, I was going to name one of them Thomas and the other one Charlie.  Charlie’s a name that can work for a boy or a girl,” she explains to me, as though I should understand that this makes her situation much worse.  “Now I may never be a mother!”

Imogen cries even harder, blowing her nose into a Kleenex.

Imogen is suffering because she thinks she has lost not just a boyfriend but also an entire future she had imagined for herself: the fiance and husband she had expected him to become… the children she had imagined they would create together… and even her opportunity to experience motherhood at all. 

She had created a world of beautiful-sounding, lovely-feeling thoughts.  They are now crashing down rather unceremoniously, because her boyfriend Tony has just broken up with her.  Imogen shares with me that she feels terrible and devastated. 

As Imogen’s coach, it is my job to stay neutral.  I can’t help her if I am emotional too. Instead, I get to show her that her thoughts are optional.

“Have you ever considered,” I ask her, “That the beautiful story you are telling me was just a hypothetical?  Sure, maybe you and Tony could have gotten married and had one boy and one girl and lived happily ever after… but isn’t it equally likely that there are plenty of other futures out there where things wouldn’t have gone as perfectly as in this version?”

Imogen frowns, but stops sobbing.  “What?” she asks, looking confused.

“Has it occurred to you that none of us actually know what the future holds?  You think you’ve lost something amazing and important.  However, who’s to say that a life with Tony would have been happy and perfect?  What if he turned out to be a liar or a cheat? What if one or both of you developed a drinking problem?  What if you’d had those 2 kids, Maxwell and Charlie, and then Tony had taken off and left you raising them by yourself?  The truth is, we don’t actually know the future. It lives only in our imagination. We just know what actually DID happen.”

Imogen stares at me through red-rimmed eyes; but I can see that she is thinking hard about what I have said.  Now she has completely stopped crying, and she has a lot of questions for me.

As Imogen’s coach, I get to help her recognize that her thoughts about Tony (along with her thoughts about their breakup) are causing her to feel tremendous pain.  

Once Imogen really understands that her heartbreak is not caused by the fact that Tony broke up with her; but instead comes from what she is making it mean inside of her brain (TRAGEDY: MASSIVE, UNREMITTING, ETERNAL LOSS)… she will be able finally to dry her tears and then take her power back - for good.

I can show her that another woman who didn’t like Tony much or wasn’t attracted to him would have totally different thoughts about the exact same situation. 

This is just the beginning of our work together, but we are off to a great start!  

I am blessed to help clients like Imogen navigate through painful life transitions and rediscover what makes them special; reconnect with what lights them up and inspires them; create new goals and redefine who they are in the wake of a profound loss.  Together we can chart a course forward that makes sense to each client and feels authentic and achievable.  

Although it doesn’t happen overnight, real healing and even thriving after loss is not just possible - it’s very likely!

When I hear the words, “I’m starting to feel hope again,” or “I’m starting to believe that love can still happen for me,” I know that clients like Imogen are beginning to understand the extent to which their mindset can make a profound and lasting impact on how they will rebuild after losses for the rest of their lives.

It’s so exciting, and I’m so grateful to do this work! 

To learn more about more ways in which having a life coach on your team can tremendously improve the quality of your life and relationships, check back soon to read Part 2 of this series! 

Interested in being coached by Andrea or asking questions about coaching?  Click here or send a message to: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com.

*Name and details of story altered to protect client anonymity.