Unconditional Love: How YOU Can Transform Your Relationships and Feel Better!

What does unconditional love mean to you?

I asked this of a few clients recently, and each of them had a pretty recognizable answer:

• “It means loving somebody, no matter what their actions are.”

• “It means loving a person or people, even when it’s hard to do.”

• “Unconditional love means that you keep your heart open, even when you’d sometimes rather rather close it.”

When we think about feeling true unconditional love, it pretty often comes up in context to children and animals. 

Humans find it easier to forgive, be peaceful, and wholly love when it comes to others that we perceive to be young and/or defenseless.  When your little puppy vomits on your expensive rug, it’s easier to show up kindly and with compassion.

If your three year-old daughter had a big tantrum at the mall it might be frustrating or even embarrassing in the moment but very few of us would ever think the thought, “Maybe she and I shouldn’t be together anymore!”

We place very different expectations on our romantic partners or other adults, however.

If your 35 year-old spouse had their own tantrum at the mall, your frustration and embarrassment at that moment might lead you to suggest all kinds of things: “Let’s take a break,” “I think you need professional help!” or even, “Grow up!!!”

Loving another human unselfishly and without conditions means that you genuinely care about the happiness of that person.  Unconditional love means that you are willing to do whatever it takes to help another person feel good without expecting any particular behavior or reward in return.  

Most adults have long lists of expectations about their romantic partners.  

• “He needs to be tidy.”

• “She needs to be a good cook.”

• “He needs to call or text me.”

• “She needs to take care of her physical appearance.”

In fact, over the course of our lifetime, humans usually develop an entire internal instruction guide for how other people “SHOULD” act in order for us to love or even like them.  This is actually the opposite of unconditional love, because we place a lot of conditions on how we will show up for another person:

• “If he takes me on a romantic getaway, it means that he really loves me so then I can put down my guard and fully love him too.”

• “If she doesn’t call or text me too often, it means that she is strong and independent, so then I can allow myself to put down my guard and fully love her too.”

• “If he helps out around the house, it means that he understands how exhausting my days are with the kids, so then I can feel romantic and affectionate about him.”

• “If she doesn’t fuss about me going out with my friends on the weekend, it means she really understands what I need, so then I can feel excited about being with her.”

There are so many if-then clauses in romantic relationships, we could write an entire math workbook about it!

The same rules apply to other kinds of relationships too… with our parents, siblings, friends and even work colleagues.

“If my mother offers to babysit my kids, it means that she is an excellent grandma, so then I can teach my kids to love and honor her.” (If she doesn’t, I will feel resentful and angry.)

“If my boss gives me a raise, it means that he sees my worth and believes in me, so then I will respect him and say only great things about him.” (If he doesn’t, I will badmouth him in the staff room.)

The problem with loving people in this way - with “shoulds” and conditions - is that there is SO much room for disappointment and negativity. 

Every time we have an expectation about how others should behave, or what they should say, we are setting ourselves (and our relationships) up for failure and pain.

The problem with emotions like disappointment and frustration is that when we feel them, WE are the ones feeling awful. Our feelings don’t upset the person we’re upset with. They affect us!

When I’m really upset with someone I can walk around all day feeling low and sad. My mind ruminates on what has happened, rather than focusing on the work I love, enjoying time with others, exercising, playing with my kids and generally feeling happy and healthy.

What if, instead of feeling negativity, you could just LOVE your dad, your best friend, your spouse, your boss… unconditionally!

What would that be like for you?

What would that feel like for you?

How would your life change if you could show up full of unconditional love and just accept everyone exactly as they are?

Now, I’m not suggesting that you let people walk all over you!  OF COURSE you should have healthy boundaries that feel good to you.

But, what if someone could let you down and you could simply feel love for them?

What if they didn’t play by your rulebook, but lived according to their own rules… and you could love them anyway? 

Is there EVER a time when loving someone doesn’t feel better than being upset with them?

You don’t have to hang out with a person who isn’t meeting your needs, but does it ever actually feel good, or make your day better, to experience a ton of negative emotions toward another human?  Do resentment, bitterness, rage, frustration and regret actually feel great?

Wouldn’t love feel better?

Multiple studies have documented the health benefits of practicing unconditional love including:

• having a stronger immune system

• experiencing greater resilience to stress

• increasing your ability to form positive, healthy relationships

Unconditional love is freeing.  It is empowering. If you don’t believe me, give it a try!  

Who is someone you can practice loving unconditionally today?  

• The worker at the dry-cleaning store that doesn’t have your order ready on time?

• The waitress at the restaurant that gets your order wrong?

• The friend who cancels your coffee date at the last minute because she overslept?

• The husband who forgot it was your anniversary?

The next time you find yourself in a moment where an adult has said or done something that you feel upset or badly about, I challenge you to take a deep breath and explore having unconditional love for them.  You may be surprised by how much better it feels to live your life with compassion and acceptance.

You’ll free up so much emotional energy, you just might find it easy-peasy to LOVE YOURSELF unconditionally too! 

Are you struggling to feel unconditional love for someone in your life, but really want to explore this as an option for your own health and happiness?? If so, coaching can really help! It changed my life and I know it can change yours too.

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love would like to create or build an incredible relationship based on unconditional love, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

Blog Photo Credit: T.R. Brunson Jr. (Instagram: @tedbrunson)

Welcome to Your New Year!

“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right!” ~ Henry Ford

With a new year and decade beginning today, many of us are making big, beautiful, hopeful resolutions for 2020!

This will be the year we finally apply for that job promotion; the year we lose that extra 20 lbs. We’ll save up enough money to take that big trip we’ve been dreaming of; we’ll exercise five times a week instead of twice. We’ll be a more loving spouse or partner; we’ll be more patient with our kids.

We have such good intentions, we start off full of energy and enthusiasm like there’s a fire burning under us.

And yet, for every person making resolutions today, research shows that within one week, a quarter of us will give up. Perhaps more surprisingly, fewer than 1 in 10 will actually persevere with our goals until the end of the calendar year!

Why does this happen?

Is it simply human nature to give up on the things that matter most?

Are we just weak? Do we lack the courage or heart to achieve our dreams?

Do other people just have more tenacity than we do?

Thankfully, the answer is NO.

The key to becoming one of those rare few who actually sticks with your cherished hopes and plans is available to you right now! In fact, you carry it with you everywhere you go, at every moment.

That special magic? The secret sauce?

It’s created in your brain. Your magnificent, powerful, amazing brain contains every ingredient right now - every single ounce of inspiration and grit and sticktoitiveness you will ever need to accomplish your goals… and every goal you will ever have, forever.

Did you know that the average human brain has many thousands of thoughts each day?

That’s right. Even you!

THOUSANDS of thoughts.

Imagine harnessing even a handful of them to help you, as your assets and allies.

Now instead consider how we often talk to ourselves about our cherished hopes after we make a New Year’s Resolution:

“I’m not lucky like that.”

“Things like that happen to other people, but not to me.”

“Even if I try, it won’t really matter.”

“Let’s be honest, I don’t really have what it takes.”

“I missed my chance.”

The list goes on and on. Is it any wonder that so many of us give up easily on our resolutions when we talk to ourselves so negatively all day long? We choose to think such terrible things about ourselves.

How many of our daily thoughts are constructive?

Even more, how can we learn to believe the things that are helpful… when often our the negative thoughts feel so REAL?

I’ve spent years now studying this topic in depth, training and learning as much as possible to manage my own mind and now to help my clients to manage theirs.

The great news is that, just like practicing for a sport or learning a language, it is totally possible to become the master of your own mind. It just takes understanding, time and repetition.

Here are 4 simple steps to make sure that this year you don’t throw out your resolutions before the end of January!

1) Figure out what you actually believe about your New Year’s Resolution. Deep down, do you honestly think you will achieve it?  Do you feel confident that you have what it takes?  Dig to find out what you believe about yourself.  What are the quiet, ugly thoughts that creep into your mind when you contemplate your resolution?  Uncover them all - every sad, frustrated or dismissive thought you’ve got!

2) Once you’ve identified the ugly thoughts, CHALLENGE them!  Your brain may tell you that you’re not smart enough, not strong enough, not capable!  Suddenly you may remember every single time you’ve ever failed at anything, any time you’ve felt stupid or humiliated.  So what? Those memories are not constructive. Ignore all of the noise in your brain. It’s not helping you move forward.

3) Decide what you WANT to believe about yourself and your resolution.  Search for the positive; scan your memory for examples of times when you DID achieve your goal… when you stuck to the plan!  Collect evidence of times when you rose to the occasion; saved the day; got the job done.  Make a list of every time you DID follow through!

4) Now comes the real work.  Over the coming days, weeks and months: Keep your brain laser-focused on thoughts that make you feel totally empowered and motivated.  Every time you start to doubt yourself, look again at your list of all of the times you won; all of the times you succeeded at anything!  Focus on your talents and abilities.  Let the negative “I can’t do it” chatter melt away.  Take one step forward every day, track your progress, and keep on going! 

New Year’s Resolutions?  You’ve totally got this!  Become part of the <10% who set a goal in 2020 and actually achieve it.  I believe in you and your beautiful, powerful mind!

If you need any help figuring out the process along the way contact me for a free trial session.  I’d love to help you make 2020 your year of THRIVING!