Let Go Lightly

“Hold on tightly, let go lightly.”

There’s a funny story that a dear friend of mine used to share about me; or rather about something that happened during my junior year of high school.  A bunch of us had gone together to see some kind of musical or show in the school’s auditorium. I was seated next to a boy that I’d dated for about 5 months but who had broken up with me at the start of the new school year. 

“Every time I looked over,” my friend chuckled, “Andrea would be leaning a little bit toward Samuel*... and Samuel would be leaning a little bit further away from Andrea.”  

My friend then held up his hands in parallel to show each of his palms starting to lean gradually to the left in unison, as a visual explanation. 

When he recounted this story to our friends we all laughed hysterically - me included - but deep down I felt embarrassment and shame. I knew my friend’s story was true. I was smart enough to recognize that I was obviously holding on to a past relationship that didn’t want to be held! 

Everyone around me could see that it was way past time for me to let go. I could see it too! I just didn’t know how.

Learning how to let go lightly is a skill you can develop over time and it begins with your thoughts. 

There are so many reasons why people don’t let go of things.  Inside of their own brains, those reasons usually make sense, too!

Junior year of high school was several decades ago now but I can still remember my 16 year old brain thinking, “I miss being Samuel’s girlfriend.”  That thought made sense to me at the time and, since the feeling that accompanied it was yearning, I leaned toward Samuel in the auditorium without even meaning to!

People of all ages hold on to lots of things tightly… way beyond just their past relationships. 

They hold onto:

• jobs that bring them stress

• sorrows that bring them pain

• fears that hold them back

• beliefs that they were raised with

• self-hate about their own bodies

• prejudices

• possessions they don’t need

• the need to be right 

• dreams that didn’t come true

• children that are ready to grow up

A lot of times humans actually KNOW that they should let go. Their reasons for holding on can always be found in thought errors (flawed reasoning or rationalization).

They think thoughts like:

• “I hate this job... but if I quit, I may never find a better one.”

• “I wish I could fly to Japan... but I’m too scared that the airplane will crash.”

• “If I break up with him... my family will never forgive me.”

• “I don’t really like playing football anymore... but if I quit, my Dad will kill me.”

• “I’d love to stop drinking on weekends... but if I do my friends won’t want to hang out with me!”

• “I know my son Danny is seventeen now... but he’s still too young to date.”

Even though all of these are just thoughts, they seem real to the people who are thinking them. You may have friends that confide in you and share thoughts just like these. They’ll tell you their thinking calmly and emphatically, or really seriously, just like they’re reading you the news!

They don’t even realize that these are just projections, imaginings or opinions. They think they are just telling you THE FACTS!

Thoughts like these can be SO strong that people hold onto all kinds of other humans, behaviors and situations WAY PAST when it’s time to let go.  They hold on even when they know they shouldn’t… that the behavior is not constructive and not moving them forward into a life that they actually WANT to choose!

Letting go lightly is an art form.  It requires trust, self-confidence, faith… and, a lot of times, self-love.  To let go lightly, a person has to dig deep and truly believe in themselves.  

It often also means that they have to address their own deep-seated fears and anxieties head-on.

Letting go lightly looks more like this: 

• “I am scared to quit this job but I truly believe I will figure things out and find a better one.”

• “I am scared to fly to Japan, but I know that I will be so proud of myself and so excited when I get to Tokyo.”

• “If I break up with him, my family may be upset but I know we will all get through it and be okay.”

• “I don’t like playing football.  My Dad may be upset at first, but I believe he will come to understand and we will build a strong relationship in a different way.”

• “I’d love to stop drinking on weekends, and I have faith that I’ll still have a ton of friends - even if I need to go out and make some new ones!”

• “My son Danny is 17 and I’m scared that he’ll get hurt or make a mistake but deep down I know he’s ready to decide for himself if he wants to date anybody.”

This kind of thinking is not automatic for any of us but, with focus and practice, humans can get really good at letting go when it’s time to do so.

In summary, the thoughts you choose to think on a daily basis can either make letting go really easy for you, or really hard.  

Is there anything (or anyone!) that you are holding onto that you know you need to let go of?  If your answer is YES, try answering the following questions for yourself:

1. What are 3 great reasons why I should trust and believe in myself today?

2. What’s a good way that I can show love and compassion to myself in this moment? 

3. What are the fears I will need to overcome to finally let this go? 

Your answers to these questions will help you to understand yourself better, relax, and move forward.

Holding on tightly isn’t a requirement of life, it’s usually just a reaction. You can actually train your brain to let go lightly, and chances are that you’ll feel SO much better when you do! 

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love are struggling to let go of something or someone, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

*Name changed for anonymity

“My Boss Drives Me Nuts!” How Your Mindset Shapes The Way You Perform At Work.

(PART 2 OF SERIES)

Lissy* comes to our session bursting at the seams with news she wants to share about her boss, Jeremy.  

“So then he says to me, ‘I’m going to need you to work this weekend,’ even though he KNOWS that I requested to have this weekend off for my boyfriend’s cousin’s wedding.  I asked for the time off almost TWO MONTHS AGO! It’s been on the department calendar FOREVER!”

“Hmmmm…” I nod, and begin to take notes.

“YEAH!” She shakes her head in frustration.  “Can you believe the nerve of that guy?”

Lissy dives headlong back into her story about Jeremy, who is in her mind, ‘The world’s WORST boss.’  

She tells me how angry she is at Jeremy; how she hates working for him and how she thinks he is a really selfish and thoughtless person.  

Lissy signed up for life coaching with me last month because she feels unhappy in her current job and wants to figure out a different direction for her career.  In the three sessions we’ve had so far, she has started each time by sharing a lot of stories of incidents at work to explain her reasons for hating her job and disliking the people she works with… especially her boss.

As Lissy’s coach, it’s very important for me to listen to her carefully.  My role, rather than becoming emotionally invested in her discomfort and past experiences, is to hold space for her and help Lissy to look beyond the surface to figure out what is really going on for her at work. Later I will provide support and accountability as she decides for herself what she wants to build in her career.

“So, your boss told you that he needs you to work this weekend, even though you had the time off,” I reiterate.

“Yes!  Can you believe that!!!”

“What crossed your mind when he said to you, ‘I need you to work this weekend?’”

“I thought, ‘How dare he treat me like this!  He doesn’t value me at all!’” 

“Ok.  So when you started thinking that your boss doesn’t value you at all, how did you feel?”

“ANGRY!” Lissy exclaims. “Sooooo frustrated.  Now I have to tell my boyfriend Mark that I can’t go to his cousin’s wedding after all.  I already bought my dress and I was really looking forward to going to the wedding. It was going to be SO much fun!”

“Got it,” I reply.  “When you were feeling angry at your boss, what did you do?”

“Well, I sure as heck let him know that I was NOT happy!  I marched straight down to HR to let them know that I do NOT appreciate being asked to work on my scheduled time off.  We actually had a department lunch off-site that day and I told all of those guys about it. I told everyone what a dirtbag move Jeremy pulled, and what a bad boss I think he is.”

“I see.  What would you normally have been doing that afternoon, or talking about at lunch, if this situation hadn’t come up?”

“Oh gosh,” Lissy sighs.  “I guess I would have been working on finishing up the presentation I’m supposed to give next week in Atlanta.  It’s really important… we’re trying to land a new client. I wanted to get all of my work done on that project before the weekend, because I THOUGHT I was going to be at a wedding with my boyfriend!  Now I still have a bunch of things left to do.”

“So… you’re telling me that when you felt angry, you spoke with a lot of people including your boss about how unhappy you were.  You then talked your boss down openly. You didn’t finish your work or make sure you were fully prepared for your presentation next week?”

“Yep,” Lissy agrees.  “That about covers it!”  She nods, looking slightly sheepish.  “I do wish I’d gotten everything done.”

“Do you normally talk people down at the office?” I ask.

“No,” she shakes her head. “Only this guy. He’s the worst!”

I smile at Lissy. “The reason you hired me is to help you figure out what is happening inside of your brain… so you can set new goals… and discover the right career path for your future.”

“That sounds so great,” Lissy grins for the first time since we started our session.  “I can’t wait to do something new.”

“Before we can move on to something new though, we need to understand the patterns you’re currently working with. We need to figure out your habits, because those come with you to any new job.”

“When your boss told you that he needed you to work this weekend, you immediately thought that he does not value you… which made you feel angry.  After you started to feel angry, you talked negatively about him to many people at your work including HR and you didn’t focus on completing your work to the best of your ability.”

“That’s fair,” she nods.

“Do you see then that the result of thinking that your boss doesn’t value you is that you were not valuing your job?”

“YES!” she agrees, “I DON’T value this job.  I can’t wait to get a new one!”

“Not only were you not valuing your job… you were actually making yourself a bit less valuable to your workplace, in that moment.”

Missy nods silently.

“Why do you think you aren’t valuing your job right now?” I ask.

“Well there are a million reasons!” she says, “But at the top of the list is that I hate my boss!”

“I know you think that the reason you don’t value your job is because you hate your boss. But really, the reason you don’t value your job at this moment is because you are thinking that your boss does not value you.  We don’t even know if that is true.”

“Well obviously, he doesn’t!  If he valued me, he would have honored my time off!”

“I know that seems correct in your brain,” I respond, “But actually, it’s just the way you’re looking at the situation.  Why do you think he asked you, of all people, to work this weekend?”

“I don’t know,” Lissy murmurs with her eyebrows furrowed.  “Maybe because I’m in charge of the department? I guess he didn’t trust my team to have it finished correctly for next week.”

“Do you really think that is why he said he needed you, specifically?”

“I mean,” she sighs. “It’s a really crucial presentation.  He didn’t ask just me to stay… he told a few of us who are flying to Atlanta that he wanted us to work over the weekend.  I guess he wants us to practice the presentation before we fly out there. Who knows, maybe he’s feeling nervous. There’s a lot riding on this for the company,” she admitted.

“I see.  So, were all of the other people he asked to work this weekend as mad as you were?”

“No, I dunno.  I don’t think so.  I mean, nobody wants to work on a Saturday… but nobody else had a wedding to go to.”

We are only 10 minutes into our session, but we’re ready to dig into powerful stuff. I begin to help Lissy explore her mindset more deeply.  She has been so convinced that her boss is out to get her, she hasn’t been really paying attention to how she herself has been showing up at the office.  She hasn’t noticed how strongly her thoughts about the boss are actually affecting her job performance.

As Lissy’s coach, I get to hold up a mirror for her so that she can get to know what’s happening inside of her brain.  I am helping her learn how to manage her own mind so that she can show up at work as a strong, competent colleague in the most effective way possible.  

I get to support her as she begins to understand how to find peace within her current job while she works on developing the career of her dreams.  

I can help Lissy take her creative power back and make more efficient use of her time, rather than handing it off weekly whenever she gets pissed off at her boss or feels that something unjust has happened. 

We still have a lot more work to do together but we are making progress.  By the end of our 60 minute session, Lissy has had an “Aha!” moment, seeing that her boss may actually have asked her to work over the weekend because she is especially good at managing two of the creative team members who are designing the digital pitch deck for their Atlanta presentation. “Those guys are great, but really flaky,” she explains.

Lissy is less angry now, and able to think clearly about she wants to show up to work over the weekend, how she wants to direct her team, and what she wants to contribute.  She is now refocused on the Atlanta presentation; which, if it goes well, will lead to new opportunities for her.  

Lissy is not alone.  Many of my clients are working on figuring things out at work; transitioning to new jobs or even pursuing totally different career paths.  Working with difficult colleagues is often a catalyst for people to consider making a change… sometimes even to leave a job they once loved.

We take our same brain into every new job though, and we use it to think thoughts about our new coworkers… so some of the best support I can possibly give my clients is to help them do the lasting work of developing their own productive, effective mindsets.

To learn more about more ways in which having a life coach on your team can tremendously improve the quality of your relationships, plus help you develop the career of your dreams, check back soon to read my upcoming article about Unconditional Love!  

* * * * *

I coach by invitation or referral only. If you or someone you love want to make powerful and exciting shifts in your career and transform your dealings with colleagues, you may contact me to describe your situation and request an invitation.

Contact me at: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com or click here.

 * * * * *

“My Boss Drives Me Nuts” is loosely based on the collective experiences of a few clients.  I’ve merged their stories to show readers how coaching works! *Names and details of this story have been altered to protect anonymity. 

“I Feel Like I’ve Lost Everything!!” Isn’t Going To Get You Through The Night.

How A Coach Can Help You PERMANENTLY Mend Your Broken Heart!  

(PART 1 OF SERIES)

As a life coach, I have the best job in the world.  I love my clients, and it’s so exciting to see the ways in which our work together can lead to increased confidence, success in work and relationships, hitting big goals and charting out a clear path toward a beautiful future.  

I’ve created a series of posts to share some of the many ways in which a focused, insightful coach can offer support and accountability in tricky situations. 

Today in Part I of this series about life coaching, I’ll share “Getting Through A Broken Heart,” loosely based on the collective experiences of a few clients.  I’ve merged their stories to show readers how coaching works! Names and details of this story have been altered to protect their anonymity.  

Stuck In Heartbreak 

Aka NAVIGATING PAINFUL TRANSITIONS

“He broke my heart,” Imogen* weeps, halfway through our session.  “I just don’t see how anything in my life will ever be the same now.  We’d talked about getting married; about having kids. I thought he was the one for me. How could I be so wrong?”

She twists a silver band around her ring finger, as though imagining an engagement ring there that will now not exist.

“If we’d had kids, I was going to name one of them Thomas and the other one Charlie.  Charlie’s a name that can work for a boy or a girl,” she explains to me, as though I should understand that this makes her situation much worse.  “Now I may never be a mother!”

Imogen cries even harder, blowing her nose into a Kleenex.

Imogen is suffering because she thinks she has lost not just a boyfriend but also an entire future she had imagined for herself: the fiance and husband she had expected him to become… the children she had imagined they would create together… and even her opportunity to experience motherhood at all. 

She had created a world of beautiful-sounding, lovely-feeling thoughts.  They are now crashing down rather unceremoniously, because her boyfriend Tony has just broken up with her.  Imogen shares with me that she feels terrible and devastated. 

As Imogen’s coach, it is my job to stay neutral.  I can’t help her if I am emotional too. Instead, I get to show her that her thoughts are optional.

“Have you ever considered,” I ask her, “That the beautiful story you are telling me was just a hypothetical?  Sure, maybe you and Tony could have gotten married and had one boy and one girl and lived happily ever after… but isn’t it equally likely that there are plenty of other futures out there where things wouldn’t have gone as perfectly as in this version?”

Imogen frowns, but stops sobbing.  “What?” she asks, looking confused.

“Has it occurred to you that none of us actually know what the future holds?  You think you’ve lost something amazing and important.  However, who’s to say that a life with Tony would have been happy and perfect?  What if he turned out to be a liar or a cheat? What if one or both of you developed a drinking problem?  What if you’d had those 2 kids, Maxwell and Charlie, and then Tony had taken off and left you raising them by yourself?  The truth is, we don’t actually know the future. It lives only in our imagination. We just know what actually DID happen.”

Imogen stares at me through red-rimmed eyes; but I can see that she is thinking hard about what I have said.  Now she has completely stopped crying, and she has a lot of questions for me.

As Imogen’s coach, I get to help her recognize that her thoughts about Tony (along with her thoughts about their breakup) are causing her to feel tremendous pain.  

Once Imogen really understands that her heartbreak is not caused by the fact that Tony broke up with her; but instead comes from what she is making it mean inside of her brain (TRAGEDY: MASSIVE, UNREMITTING, ETERNAL LOSS)… she will be able finally to dry her tears and then take her power back - for good.

I can show her that another woman who didn’t like Tony much or wasn’t attracted to him would have totally different thoughts about the exact same situation. 

This is just the beginning of our work together, but we are off to a great start!  

I am blessed to help clients like Imogen navigate through painful life transitions and rediscover what makes them special; reconnect with what lights them up and inspires them; create new goals and redefine who they are in the wake of a profound loss.  Together we can chart a course forward that makes sense to each client and feels authentic and achievable.  

Although it doesn’t happen overnight, real healing and even thriving after loss is not just possible - it’s very likely!

When I hear the words, “I’m starting to feel hope again,” or “I’m starting to believe that love can still happen for me,” I know that clients like Imogen are beginning to understand the extent to which their mindset can make a profound and lasting impact on how they will rebuild after losses for the rest of their lives.

It’s so exciting, and I’m so grateful to do this work! 

To learn more about more ways in which having a life coach on your team can tremendously improve the quality of your life and relationships, check back soon to read Part 2 of this series! 

Interested in being coached by Andrea or asking questions about coaching?  Click here or send a message to: hello@thinktothrivecoaching.com.

*Name and details of story altered to protect client anonymity.

“My Heart Seriously EXPLODES When I See That Smile!”

How your thoughts determine who you love.

Today I’d like to talk to you about love and attraction.

The concept I’d like to share with you is how your thoughts are related to the love that you feel, the love you give, and the love you choose to keep in your life.

Most of us are raised to believe in fairy tales. 

People believe that love happens to us magically… that we don’t have any control over who we love (or who we don’t love). 

“It just happens,” you may tell your friends. “I can never predict when it will happen or who it will happen with… love is mysterious and almost supernatural!”

This is not actually true though.

We can choose who we want to love, because we can choose the thoughts we have about other people.

You may be thinking, “Andrea, that’s crazy!  I can’t choose to be interested in that big goofball of a guy/girl that keeps showing up at my desk at lunch!  I’m totally not attracted to them!”

The funny thing is that both love and attraction are all based upon your thoughts.

The things you think about this person determine your attraction to them.  “What a funny, unattractive goofball,” you say, and BAM - you’ve just thrown them deep into the friend-zone.

That thought sure didn’t create any attraction inside your brain or body for this funny, goofy person. 

Maybe you have feelings instead for the “bad boy/girl” at the office… the unpredictable person that everyone is talking about.  “I never know what they’re going to do,” you think. “And gosh. EVERYONE likes them. My best friend has a crush on them too!” That thought makes the person seem more desirable; less available, less controllable… almost unattainable.  

“That person is SO exciting,” you say. “I wonder if they’re single? I wonder if they could ever like me?”

You see, we do choose who we want to love.

“NO,” you tell me, “It doesn’t work that way, Andrea,” and then you launch into a lengthy discussion of pheromones and science.

Let me clear that right up.

It’s true to a degree.  You CAN have an amazing physical rush from the pheromones of another human.  You may definitely think, “Wow, they smell so good!” or “He/she is so HOT!”

However, if a police officer knocked on your door 10 minutes later and told you that this same gorgeous guy or gal you’re lusting over is actually a serial killer and you’re next on their list, I can guarantee you that your powerful attraction to them would evaporate. Poof! Gone.  

(Replaced, probably, by terror!)

What changed?  Their pheromones?  Nope. Their looks and charm?  The way they crack a smile? Nope.

The thing that changed was your thought about them.  

Have you ever noticed that over time one person can become more and more beautiful to you, while another person can become less and less attractive?

It’s all about your thoughts.  As you get to know a person you make little adjustments. 

“That person in my math class is so intelligent and funny,” you may one day think.  “I wonder why I never noticed before that they have a beautiful smile?”

“I used to think that bartender was great,” you may slowly realize, “But now I find him/her so annoying.  They’re not really that attractive, either. What was I thinking!?!”

You have a tremendous amount of choice and power when it comes to who you love.

This is so freeing and liberating. 

Have you ever said, “I wish I could love ________.  He/she is like family to me. Sadly, I’m just not attracted to them.”  

It’s not the person though that you’re not attracted to. You’re not attracted to the thoughts you have about them. 

“They’re SO NICE,” you may think, and then wonder why you feel zero attraction.

Have you ever considered that, “They’re so nice,” doesn’t actually create attraction for you?

To change the level of attraction, you need to change the thought.

“HOW?” you ask. 

Well… try these on for size.  

• “I’m learning to believe that nice people can also be attractive.”

• “I think a good sense of humor is a real turn-on.”  

• “I love me a reliable, kind human.”

• “Intelligence is HOT!”  

• “You know… Dorkiness is actually kind of adorable.”

• “Those blue eyes are really sparkly.”

So, it’s time to get clear with yourself about the power your thoughts have over your relationships, attractions and feelings.

In Bridget Jones’s Diary, Bridget suddenly realizes that she finds ‘boring’ businessman Mark Darcy very attractive, even more so than the ‘dangerous’ cad Daniel Cleaver. Everything shifts for her.

In an instant the reliable, stable character with dry wit has rocketed out of the friend zone to become the romantic hero.  “Nice boys don’t kiss like that,” she says… but Mark proves once again that her thought is not a fact.

Everyone wins!  Bridget has chosen happiness and created love by changing her thoughts.

You get to choose your own happy ending too!